If I can't be there...

Tim's got his eye on the "prize" it seems...all these resolutions. He even got us out the door to church today. Let me be honest....I don't like going to church. I like being AT church, but not the "going". We attend a great church, a thriving church, which is one reason I don't like going. No parking, no seats, we're just a number. When I first started attending there were a few hundred people in a small chapel. Now there are over 2000, plus like 200 kids. Anyway, having Lucy has upped the "anti-church" seed in my heart. You'd think it would have grown, hoping to inspire faith, and "religion" in my child at an early age. I don't really think church (at least not our church) gives any "teaching" to our kids 3and younger. It's just babysitting. Which is FINE! From the beginning, we have tried at different intervals to take her to said babysitting, and it hasn't worked for us. Either she was very upset, there were sick kids coughing and spreading their nasty little germs, or I was so distracted with her NOT being with me in church, I hardly heard the sermon anyway. But sitting in church with us hasn't worked well for quite a long time either. She's always been great thru the singing, and can sit quietly coloring for most of the sermon. But the last 5-10 minutes, the crux of the message, it's time to escape. So all of those reasons make me just want to stay home on Sunday mornings...preferably in our PJ's!

But it's important to Tim to go. And in theory I do believe there is much to learn about community for each of us...Lucy included. Just like potty training...where there comes a day you just have to take off that diaper and see what happens....we all have to keep trying...keep gently pushing ourselves (or our kids) to go a step further then we think we can handle. Lucy's been impressing me even these last couple of weeks, with staying with different friends while I have doctor's appointments and such. When I return, she happily announces "I didn't even cry"!! So, the 1st day of 2012 we went to church. And Lucy went to Sunday School (as we say). She was shy going in, but with much promotion, and pumped up talk about the fun, it seemed we could leave and she'd be fine. We said goodbye and went to church. I was fairly relaxed since they have a paging system. At the end of the service, we headed over to get her, and I sent Tim in. The first thing she proudly told him was "I cried alot, but then I was happy". Ugh, my heart sank. I hate her crying. Why didn't they page me? (This happened another time I told them "please page me if she cries...i want to know!! and when I came back to get her she was a heaving blubbery mess!!!) Fine, she's never going again!!! But she seemed fine, and off she ran to the outdoor park they have. I debriefed with her, and of course she doesn't know why she cried. The teacher showed her some pictures on her phone of her doggy, which apparently cheered her up. The teacher really seemed to like Lucy and said they "bonded" and that Lucy clung to her most of the time. Again...UGH. Aren't I her mother....the clinging should be to me! She knows she's not abandoned...right?

At bedtime that night, Lucy started her prayers....thanking God that we could go to gasworks park, and fall down, and come home and take a bath.....(hehe), and as I added "thank you we could go to church", she added "and I cried, but then I was happy". I took one last chance, not to debrief about why she cried, but to pray "what a wonderful gift that God sent a nice teacher to comfort Lucy and be her friend." I promised her that "as long and as much as I am able, I will be there for you. But, God has promised that when Mommy or Daddy can't be there, He will always send a friend to help us, and comfort us. And that's what happened today". What a beautiful truth. And in all my selfishness, I don't want her to miss out on any opportunity for God to keep His promises. For Him to be able to reveal bits of His character to her, in the form of a warm lap, cute pics of someone's doggy, or any other thing that a 2 1/2 year old can understand. I'm still soaking it in, and letting this guide my parenting, and more importantly my own heart and faith.