How are you....really?

Sleep is the most natural thing in the world in my book. I can sleep in the car, on the couch, at work even (when I worked night shift!)....but apparently not in my own bed. At least not when I share a room with a baby. It starts off so simple: baby cries, you feed him/her, they sleep and poop, and you don't worry that you're setting yourselves all up for some kind of sleep disturbance that will run your lives for years to come. I remember with Lucy we all started off ok, and around her 4 month shots, things started getting ridiculous, but I thought it might be her shots. Then it was teething, or crawling, or illness, or stranger anxiety, or someone sneezed and scared her. (Literally) Finally at 3.25 years old, We all rejoice and sing Lucy's praise when she only "waked up once" in the night. Just as hope sprung forth that we might sleep again, we go and get ourselves another baby!! This one has reflux. Or gas. Or boredom. Whatever the reason, and I'm sure it varies, this new guy has gone from being my "Good sleeper" (he did the normal baby thing, and did some good 4-6 hour stretches right away), to now being downright rotten.

You experts say I need to "train" him to sleep, which is code for "letting them scream until they plain give up and sleep" which only lasts 45 minutes to 2 hours tops (the sleep that is.). and then it starts again. Believe me, I've read the books. I've done a schedule. we've all screamed and cried for years. It never worked with Lucy (Oh, she could cry herself to sleep....which the books say is "comforting themselves to sleep" which never sounded comforting to me!!) but it never "taught" her how to put herself back to sleep the 5 times a night she needed it. And co sleeping? makes everything worse for everyone. I'm all for having a giant cozy bed, but nothings cozy about being kicked in the head, or the back, and frequent clawing at your back to get to your milk, even when it makes you puke because you've overeaten.

Henry actually seems to have something to cry about. He genuinely seems uncomfortable, as he fights himself to sleep. That's nighttime. I don't know why he can't sleep longer than 30 minutes in the daytime. We've upped his acid meds, even gave him some extra Maalox in the middle of the night after being up a long time waking himself up every 2 minutes (even being held upright) with reflux. That bought him 2.5 hours. That was our longest stretch of sleep last night.

Why must I write 3 paragraphs of sleep detail? I could write a book. People want to know how you're doing, and the other day at a MUMs event (an awesome group of Mom's that I used to work with), I complained to another understanding mom that I was a hair away from a nervous breakdown. It was an especially dark week, despite the sun shining like summer in early October.

These are the hours (when I'm back up at 6:00 with my boy) when I either want to ship him off to someone, or I reflect on parenting. So much of parenting I find is just comparing. We don't mean to, but I find some comfort in knowing that others struggle. It might be different things, and it usually is. Sometimes I am jealous that others sleep thru the night with their infant; sometimes I'm thankful that "my child" doesn't have the issue their child does. It comes out even. And of course I'm always thankful that we don't have truly life threatening or disabling health issues.

It doesn't help that when he's awake and happy, even at 1:00am, that smile will get ya!!

I saw an acquaintance at the park this week who has kids the same age as mine. She said she was "enjoying the baby stage more with the 2nd." Boy, not me. I can sometimes feel that Henry's needyness is taking me away from enjoying Lucy. I want to just delight in Henry's rolling over, but sometimes I am slightly annoyed now that he just rolls over onto his tummy and now a previously happy baby can't roll the other direction and wants you to rescue him. Just stay on your back where you're happy kid!

Lucy just joined the party (at 7:12 am....quite early for her!). I asked "what are you doing up so early?" She said "Well, I'm just doing what you're doing.". Ha, so you've started a blog, eh?

We managed to squeeze in some time together making Halloween cookies yesterday. Mostly me, but she did help some with ingredient mixing and then using the cookie cutters. She was sooooo happy as we put together the final touches to make them look cute. She must have said 25 times in 15 minutes "This is going to be the best Halloween EVER!!" "I LOVE these halloween cookies!!!" So easy to please this one. A dress I ordered online came in the mail, and she thrillingly opened it, and said "I love this dress...I always wanted this" as she kissed it and twirled around. (That's why this girl owns more than 20 dresses right now...because she so delights in them. She frequently yells at me "Princesses don't wear pants" if I try to get her to change!!)

(Not THE dress mentioned, but a new one. Lucy making a silly face)

In all her capability, I can forget that she is just her age. (Whether it was 2 or 3). She's been baking with me so long, I can get angry with her that she didn't measure the flour without spilling. Until I spill, and she calls me on it. "Mama you spilled. It's not easy is it?" touche little one. It's not easy. None of this is. It's a joy and an honor, and an exhaustingly difficult beautiful thing. I am so blessed. So thankful. And so tired. And hungry. I think I'll give in and admit that I'm awake and eat some breakfast.