Blessing and Grace

I started writing this blog back in January i think. it's probably not complete, but i don't know how else to add to it. i thought i'd just throw it out there.

I've been thinking about "blessing" and "grace". As in "We have been 'blessed' with our rich and comfortable lifestyles"; and "...but by the grace of God, Go I". I don't think these words fit in these sentences, but somehow it is the American way to describe them.

I was reading a blog that I follow: a hodge podge of different writers, but all writing about adoption. They are interesting stories, accounts, challenges, sermons even. Ocassionally I read one that makes me want to read more about them on their personal blog, so I click on that link and find myself either turning away quickly out of boredom or reading tomes about this stranger turned "friend" and their life story. This was one of them. This woman's style and wit kept my laughing and intrigued to hear more. Then she made a link to one of HER friends, who had tragically and suddenly lost her husband just a couple of weeks ago, right before Christmas. Against my better judgement before bed, I had to click on that link to her blog. I only needed to read a few of her entries to be deeply entrenched in the appalingly unacceptable tragedy that she describes in her husband's death. It was quick, and she was there holding him as he took his final breath. They have 2 young boys (appear to be under 4 to me). In part of her story she refers to having access to scripture on these little index cards.

I raise my eyes toward the mountains.
Where will my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not allow your foot to slip;
your Protector will not slumber.
Indeed, the Protector of Israel does not slumber or sleep.
The Lord protects you;
the Lord is a shelter right by your side.
The sun will not strike you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The Lord will protect you from all harm;
He will protect your life.
The Lord will protect your coming and going,
both now and forever. ~ Psalm 121

I sobbed thru the entire reading. Tim sat beside me trying to find out what all the fuss was about. He held me and helped me close the laptop and head to bed. Where I held him and sobbed some more thinking of these 2 young boys who don't understand...who asked their mom to "email Daddy and tell him it's time to come back". Part of my broken heart is for this stranger, a fellow wife and mother. Part of it is pure fear..what would I DO?

I know we're not supposed to live in fear. I am somewhat motivated to live "in the moment" knowing that each day is a gift. I want to bask in the warmth of all this love I have on earth right now and not complain one bit, or get tired, or annoyed or any of the things we humans do. Am I "blessed"? Yes. Is it because I have a husband and daughter who appear to be perfect and hopefully somewhat immortal? That answer has to be no, otherwise one might argue that this blog stranger/friend is NOT blessed, and I don't believe that for one minute. "but by the grace of God, go I?" Is it by some "grace" that I still have my husband, and Tim still has his wife, to raise this daughter together for a really long time? Again, that seems selfish and untrue, because that would leave out so many in God's plan of "grace".

In my very own first "tier" of friends and family there is much loss: loss of jobs, pregnancies, health, minds, hope and faith. Are they living outside of God's blessing and grace? Are we (tim and lucy and i) just living lucky? Is there something more I am to learn here? I have to admit, I question if I was faced with a tragedy of epic proportions would my eyes look to the hills? I promised Tim I would be strong for Lucy's sake, but what if she was taken too, or I could not keep my promise? With tongue in cheek I appeal to God's sense of justice, quoting His own scripture back to Him: He will not give you more than you can handle. Whew, He knows I could not handle that, so I am "safe". (actually, i'm not quoting, i'm paraphrasing some vague memory of a verse. I need to find out what exactly He promises there).

Lucy is awake and saying "No, no, no, no" her new favorite word!!